Here are the four best stocks. With four fun pics. And four fun facts. For July 4th.

This week, Mr. Market goes zooming over all-time highs!

Let’s take a fun look at what the “experts” were saying when the market hit lows in early April. 

I just bought a new big fancy stock of a company that is top class.

All the pundits do agree that every big fancy test they pass.

They have a big fancy business model that’s too complicated to explain.

They don’t have any revenue yet, but the growth projections are insane.

If you ain't got no haters, you ain't poppin'.

Every once in a while, it’s fun to check in on the naysayers. Do they make good points? Or are they just yipping at the top dogs for attention? Let’s investigate.

What should the stock price of TSLA be?

I was racking my brain and finally thought to myself, “What would a high schooler with math homework do?”

Use AI for the answers!

Now you are not supposed to use words like scam. Shouldn’t be throwing around accusations of dishonesty or swindles or grifts or downright frauds. We live in a litigious society. Can’t be claiming any of the following companies are intentionally misleading investors to keep their shitty unprofitable companies operating long enough so that the insiders can continue to use shareholder funds to make themselves rich. You can’t say that. Unless you’re a clown who writes a comedy newsletter.

There are plenty of ways to structure a portfolio to make it quite simple.

There are plenty of ways to structure a portfolio so that you’ll never run out of money.

But combining the two?!

That is tougher than a two-dollar steak.

Ever wonder what’s the deal with college savings plans?

Like to see AI-generated images of cute babies?

I’ve got you covered.

Dear Uber
Dear Uber
Why does Mr. Market hate you so?
Dear Uber
Dear Uber
Why no respect for how you grow?

This week, the results are in, and we are now one quarter away from a recession!

But who gives a zon, let’s talk about Amazon.

We had two of the big boys reporting their financials for the quarter. Two companies on very different paths in very different situations. Two companies with very different management styles and very different leaders.

I’m talking Tesla vs Google in the battle of Fundamentals vs Fluff.

Why hasn’t the Fed lowered interest rates yet?

Why did Mark S run back to Helly?

Let’s do a quick review of how the economy and the structure of the United States works in another fun edition of:

Maybe you just want to know how to make cash now. Maybe you’re JG Wentworth up in here. 

You want cash.
You want it paid monthly.
You want 10% on your investment.
And you don’t want to have to wait until there’s a new guy in charge to get it. 

Mr. Market is in full-on panic selling mode with the Trump Tariffs causing a brutal collapse. Investors are finding out that simply saying you are pro-business, or that your party is better for the economy, doesn’t actually make it true. 

So let’s take a look at what is going on and decide:

To Panic or Not To Panic

Fear not, friends. As the markets bleed and pets’ heads fall off everywhere in the finance world, I come with reassuring news. I have seen the Grays Sports Almanac up to 2030 and I am here with 10 predictions for five years out.

What companies’ stock prices will beat the market? What other lunacy will take place? Read on to find out.

Does that sound too good to be true? Many things do. But it’s not.

It is incredibly easy to get paid to buy stock.

Everybody hates Google. Haven’t you heard? The kids don’t use Search anymore, and ChatGPT is going to put them out of business?!

This is a compelling narrative. So compelling that Google has sold off to a dirt-cheap valuation. But ChatGPT has been around for a couple of years now, so we would probably see that show up in the financials, right?

This is the second annual Schmoozeletter VICIversary! Woo! Party hats and noisemakers. March 9th, 2023, was my first-ever purchase of everyone’s favorite real estate investment trust, VICI Properties. Two years ago, I entered the VICIverse at $33 per share. 

“But Dave?!” you say. “$33 per share? It is now under $33. Why are you celebrating and not in the town square receiving twenty lashes for your tomfoolery?”

Why are markets in turmoil? Why is your 401(k) down and your crypto wallet in shambles?

Mostly because King Trump is dishing out tariffs like Oprah used to fling cars around the studio.

And you get a tariff. 

And you get a tariff. 

And you get a tariff.

In honor of the Argentine president’s $100M fraud with LIBRA coin, I figured I’d dust off my Grammy Award-winning diss track, Crypto Bonfire. 

One day, King Trump will be dethroned, and the United States will get back to regulating financial assets instead of propping up swindlers. In the meantime, try not to get scammed with crypto.