If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
Well, I would not buy you a house
Nope, no illiquid assets for you
And if I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
I would not buy you furniture for your house
Get an ottoman at a garage sale and call it a day

By that, of course, I mean President Donald J. Trump is behaving like disgraced former president Richard M. Nixon. 

What did you think I meant?

I’ve seen the future:

So I have the answer to the question asked every January:

What is going to be the top stock this year?

Running back my grammy award winning diss track, Crypto Bonfire.

Buy Low.  Sell High.

Simple as could be. And yet, it goes against human nature.

The exciting investments people want to talk about and join in on are the ones that are UP!

’Twas the week before Christmas and all through the land,

Investors were treated to news of a presidential rebrand.

Trump Media & Technology Group, ticker DJT,

Had been on epic collapse; the whole nation could see,

En garde!

We’ve got our first-ever Schmoozeletter duel!

It’s a duel about DUOL.

A DUOL duel.

They say in life you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

I say they’re full of shit. That is the only way to have cake.

But in the stock market, can you have your cash and eat it too?

There is no meal more delicious than Thanksgiving. The family gets together around some succulent supper, and good times are had by all. 

Stuffing myself with countless carbs got me thinking: what would be a portfolio as mouthwatering as this fantastic feast?

I recently talked to a member of the SoFi Syndicate. They had company tattoos on each forearm, and every hour on the hour they would rise from their chair, look west to SoFi headquarters, and shout:

SoFi ‘Til I Die!

Netflix, NFLX, is an exceptional business.

I am not just saying that because every girl between the ages of 4–14 was a K-Pop Demon Hunters character for Halloween this year.

We’re just under a year into the Business-Mogul-In-Chief’s second tenure, so let’s recap the performance of DJT.

At the Schmoozeletter, we know that more important than being smart is sounding smart. That’s why we’re dropping another edition of the hottest series since the Fibonacci sequence. It’s the return of the most electrifying topic in financial comedy newsletter history. The next time anyone is speaking positively about a stock and the conversation comes to you, hit them with the phrase:

This week was GameStop 2.0!

So, you want to know the best way to make money gambling on BYND?

All you have to do is wait for the charts.

Should you be photo-shopping for this AI software company?

Are we Premiere Pro on the stock, or are we Illustr-haters?

They’re dominant. They’re massive. They could put down a thousand hot dogs at the Nathan’s Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contest and spike the mustard belt right in Joey Chestnut’s face.

I know what you’re looking for.

We want market-beating returns.

We want big returns. Yuge returns. Enormous, gargantuan, colossal returns.

We want…

Well howdy, y’all. Ever stumble upon some projections that make you near ’bout fall off yer pony? If you ain’t done figured it out by now, we’re chinwaggin’ ’bout Texas Instruments, TXN, this week.

The calculator makers?

Darn tootin’.

This week, I figured I would put our future overlords to the test with one simple question:

“What ten individual stocks are the best buys right now for long-term gains?”

“Not everyone fully grasped the magnitude of the tsunami that is approaching.”

Take cover! There is a tsunami of cash headed our way!