How To Insider Trade
Welcome to the Schmoozeletter Blog. Your source for weekly water cooler wisecracks from the world of finance. If you have an opinion different than mine or a topic you want to hear about, let me know!
This week, we’re talking about:
How To Insider Trade
How to insider trade?
Isn’t that illegal?
Not anymore!
Read on to find out how you can legally make billions insider trading!
This is…
How To Insider Trade
No, but really… Isn’t that what got Martha Stewart pinched?
The real crime was believing in a company called ImClone. More like ImClown, ammiright?
Anyway.
Insider trading was illegal.
There was this whole crazy stock market crash in 1929 that led to a thing you may have heard of called the Great Depression. Then the SEC said, "Hey, maybe we shouldn’t let o’ Billy Rockefeller and friends manipulate stock prices to the detriment of our entire country.”
Then boom!
Ya get caught with your hand in the cookie jar, ya get sent to fancy tennis court prison.
Here are some illustrious illegal insider Investopedia ixamples:
A CEO can’t text their buddy, “Hey, we’re raising guidance like crazy this quarter. The stock is going to go nuts when we release the report to the public on Tuesday. Go ahead and buy some of our stock now!”
That’s “tipping,” and like a European at a restaurant, you can’t do it.
And it makes sense. The rules are in place so we don’t lose the integrity of the entire U.S. stock market.
The free market system is built on equal opportunity and investor trust. If everyone thinks it is rigged against them to benefit the few, people will start to withdraw capital and look elsewhere, which is bad for everyone.
Dare I say it, it is downright un-American.
So it is totally illegal for someone like a CEO to give a “tip” like that.
But a president?
Donny boy can let those posts rip to the world.
After all, his posts are public. He is sending them out to the masses in the most presidential way he knows how: with loads of exclamation points and random capitalizations.
Like on 4/9/25 when he posted:
“THIS IS A GREAT TIME TO BUY!!!”
And then immediately rolled back his tariffs, causing the entire market to surge.
Or the half dozen other examples of him buying…
***Excuse me***
Official White House word is this is managed by a third party without Donny’s knowledge.
Sorry.
Or the half dozen other examples of his portfolio buying positions in companies, then him directly pumping the stock price with a post on his website.
But again, none of this is illegal.
It is not illegal for a president to speak favorably about individual companies.
A little unorthodox? Yes.
A little immoral? Some would say.
A little unbecoming of a president?
I mean, this guy was literally voted in while already being guilty of fraud, so I guess that’s what the people expect.
While seemingly not illegal, no one can argue his posts are market-moving.
When Trump posts favorably about a ticker, it is instantly followed by a surge of buying.
In that way, he is the insider.
And The Don Man loves to profit off his presidentiality.
Starting in one week, you can pay for a license for the application programming interface of Trump’s posts for the small price of $100k per month!
This gives you structured, machine-readable data of the president's posts in milliseconds that can link directly to your automated trading algorithm.
So when Donny Insider posts:
“AAPL is a great company!!!!!”
Your trading bot has already bought shares in AAPL by the time your slow human brain can count the number of exclamation points.
All for the super cheap price of $1.2M per year!
So how can you legally insider trade?
Our innovative president has made it so simple for us. All you need is to follow these easy steps:
1. Pay a $1.2M annual license to the president’s company.
2. Buy some multi-million dollar high-frequency trading software.
3. Profit.
Donald J. Trump, man of the people*
*Those people being NYC hedge funds.
Final Thought
Sure hope you didn’t buy any of the $TRUMP meme coin.
Totally normal for a president to make $636M shilling trash that is down 97%. Totally normal.
