Quip It and Rip It: Edition 3

Welcome to the Schmoozeletter Blog. Your source for weekly water cooler wisecracks from the world of finance. If you have an opinion different than mine or a topic you want to hear about, let me know!

This week, we’re talking about:

Quip It and Rip It: A one-sentence phrase about the stock market to sound smart

At the Schmoozeletter, we know that more important than being smart is sounding smart. That’s why we’re dropping another edition of the hottest series since the Fibonacci sequence. It’s the return of the most electrifying topic in financial comedy newsletter history. The next time anyone is speaking positively about a stock and the conversation comes to you, hit them with the phrase:

I’m just not impressed with the top line growth. 

This phrase works even better if you compliment the stock and the company before dropping it. Some variations include:

I love the business model, but I’m just not impressed with the top-line growth.

Impressive dividend yield, but I’m just not impressed with the top line growth.

Excellent value proposition, but I’m just not impressed with the top line growth.

When your boss catches wind of you dropping that phrase at the water cooler, instant promotion.

Now, if you get any pushback from the person originally giving a positive outlook on the stock, keep it extremely vague to avoid being found out. They may actually know what they’re talking about… or at the very least know what top-line growth means. Perhaps they say something like:

“But it’s four times the sector average?”

Exude extreme confidence in your response. Puff your chest and draw a wry smirk. Muster the gusto of a lax bro and hit them with:

“In their industry? I’d be worried about deceleration.”

Look to your compatriots at the water cooler who have just judged you the victor in this battle of stock market fodder. Your boss has probably promoted you again for this response.

Saying deceleration is a concern can never lose. By the time you’d be proven wrong, years have passed.

Plus, no one remembers you saying not to buy something. What they’ll never forget is you saying to buy something and having it fall off a cliff.

The key with Quip It and Rip It is to get in and get out. You want to nail the phrase and have the subject change as fast as possible. The deeper they delve into your quip, the more likely you are to be discovered as a phony.

Don’t be afraid to physically walk away from the person and avoid them for the rest of your life. Sure, you may lose a loving family member or long-term friend, but their final memory of you will be that you sounded smart. Isn’t that what really matters?

So what does “I’m just not impressed with the top line growth” actually mean?

First off: unimportant. Understanding what you’re saying is secondary to unleashing a great quip to sound smart. When you actually know what you’re saying, you run the risk of over-explaining and getting destroyed by a better quip.

That sorry sucker at the water cooler who was going on about how great the stock was actually knew what he was saying, and you put him in a body bag so fast your boss fired him. Don’t feel bad though. Your new double promotion comes with three people under you, so you can hire him back.

But for those interested in this optional step, “top line” refers to the revenue of a company. It’s the total amount of money a company is bringing in the door.

Each quarter, Wall Street analysts make two main projections for public companies:
Revenue (or “top-line” projections, as in the first line of an income statement), and earnings per share (or “bottom-line” projections, as in the last line of an income statement).

“Top-line growth” is simply how much more money the company collected versus the same quarter one year ago. The bottom line is because Stone Cold said so. 

If I’ve lost you there with crazy words like “income statement,” I get it. Most people on CNBC don’t know about those either. Don’t let that discourage you from quipping and ripping.

So, the next time your Gordon Gekko friend says stock XYZ is the best buy in the universe, you know the drill. Look them up and down, draw a confident smirk, lean back, cross your arms, take a deep breath, and unload:

Maybe… but I’m just not impressed with the top line growth. 

Final Thought

Did this guy absolutely nail it or what?