Tips with Goofus and Gallant
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Nobody is more annoying to casually talk shop with than a financial plan man. Usually, when I’m out on the town with folks and finance is brought up, they gaze upon me with disgust. Eyes nearly fall out of their sockets; they roll so hard when I sheepishly say things like, “The market is the best place to invest.”
“Nice try, Ponzi!” they respond as they tighten the grip on their purses. But every once in a while, someone asks, “What are some tips?”
I straighten up. Clear my throat. Take a deep breath. And just as I get ready to impart some Buffetty pearls of wisdom, I am cut off by a crypto bro speaking of their new favorite coin.
They pontificate about its global unifying powers to their captivated audience. Tales of its unparalleled utility are met with gaped jaws and twinkling eyes. The crowd quakes with excitement as they are regaled with how its value today is only a minuscule fraction of its value in the future.
“Could that happen?” they inquire, with ever-so-slight hesitation.
“Uh... it could. You also could lose all your money though,” I respond.
“It could happen!” they repeat. Any shred of doubt that the crypto train will continue to charge along to the station of financial freedom is now removed.
“Block-chain! Block-chain! Block-chain!” they cheer as they pour their life savings into the aptly named Avalanche token.
“But wait!” I say, “Don’t be like Goofus. Be like Gallant.” This is…
Tips with Goofus and Gallant
Gallant invests at least 10% of his pay for the future.
Goofus racks up credit card debt by living outside his means.
Gallant dollar cost averages, investing the same amount every two weeks.
Goofus waits until he hits it big on scratch-offs to invest.
Gallant invests the majority of his portfolio in a market index fund.
Goofus invests in the stock with most mentions on WallStreetBets.
Gallant pays no attention to short-term market fluctuations.
Goofus tries to time the market based on CNBC reporting, panic selling during crashes, and buying more at bull market tops.
Gallant only buys blue chip stocks with competitive advantages.
Goofus buys whatever the trendiest tech stock is.
Gallant only buys a stock with the intention of holding it for decades.
Goofus buys thinking he will make fortune when it pops next week.
Gallant looks to emulate patient, long-term investors like Warren Buffet.
Goofus looks to emulate volatile, boom-or-bust traders like Cathie Wood.
Gallant focuses on a company’s fundamentals, like their Free Cash Flow.
Goofus focuses only on companies with the highest dividend yield.
Gallant will only pay a fair price for a great company.
Goofus will pay any price for anything that he thinks will be trading up next month.
Gallant avoids options and risky investment vehicles he doesn’t understand.
Goofus YOLOs call options into earnings when he thinks a company will have a good quarter.
Gallant waits patiently for the companies he likes to trade down to competitive prices before buying.
Goofus buys whenever his uncle says a company is about to hit it big.
Gallant hopes his companies will trade down in the short term so he can buy more.
Goofus sells anything that went down because he says stocks should only go up.
Gallant is a birds fan.
Goofus likes the Cowboys.
Final Thought
Being a Goofus is fun in some areas of your life. Not with your life savings.
