$143 Million A Week Ain’t Bad

Welcome to the Schmoozeletter Blog. Your source for weekly water cooler wisecracks from the world of finance. If you have an opinion different than mine or a topic you want to hear about, let me know!

This week, we’re talking about:

If you are a fan of the show Shark Tank like I am, you know they follow a similar formula. An entrepreneur comes in with a “life-changing” product and waxes poetic about how much money it is going to make.

Eventually, the sharks get to the all-important question:

“Great, what are your sales?”

How about $143 million…

in our first week!

Well that ain’t bad.

This is the story for little-known startup Safe America Media LLC. They incorporated in Delaware on February 6, 2025. By Valentine’s Day, they had hit the big one.

Beats the hell out of a heart-shaped box of chocolates.

They were no doubt popping champagne at corporate headquarters at 904 Danton Ln in Alexandria, VA. The address can be found with a quick Google search:

But the nine-figure company doesn’t need no stinking phone number. They’re not going to waste time trying to get Google reviews or posting business hours. They are too busy raking in cash!

If you click on the website…

And I swear I am not making this up…

The link takes you to this page:

A site all about Donny and his former BFF Jeff.

Seems a bit off topic, but I’m not pulling eight zeros on my checks, so who am I to question the corporate acumen of Safe America Media LLC.

Their business plan is the stuff of legend:

Revenue of $143M against expenses of $0.23M.

That is a gross profit of 99.8%!

Profit ratios that high are usually only achievable from the likes of the Mastercards and Visas, who spent decades building out a network.

And Safe America Media LLC did it in their first week!

The sharks would be in a bidding war so hard right now. You know Cuban would come in with his classic “I need an answer right now.”

So who is the visionary behind the company with the most meteoric rise in American history?

Michael McElwain

I spent about three minutes unsuccessfully looking for a picture of him, but I guess he is more of a behind-the-scenes guy. In fact, AI tells me that is exactly what this contract aficionado is. Or was…

A talented operative indeed!

Now you might be thinking, isn’t there some type of process the United States uses to not give hundreds of millions of dollars to companies that were just cleared to do business with the government?

Ah, my bad.

You might be thinking, isn’t there some type of process the United States uses to not give hundreds of millions of dollars to companies that are not even cleared to do business with the government?

Not to worry.

Mikey McStrategist has a workaround.